Stop dreaming, silly -me
As much as sometimes I want to get closer to family, something sweepingly sad happens that reminds me again why I stay away more and more. Silly me, I always fall to the tender notion that time can wipe out twinges but in reality, it doesn’t.
Mostly it’s because of the huge gap of ignorance some folks have about me in several realms in which I always get falsely accused of dreadful things I have never made; or said or even thought about… it’s as if to please some bewildered mind.
According to some family members, my mind and thoughts should totally be void and wait for someone to dictate what I should think and say, what I should do or be in my life. Eventually, I would be told ‘who’ I am and what I should do and not do. I would be told what I have done in the past according to their own irrational ideas of being ‘moi’ to be accepted as part of the tribal clan’s and its cliqued rules.
Most of the time, I’m so use to it, and I don’t even notice it anymore and immediately ignore it all – until it hits physically right into my own score as it harshly stands. But of course, being use to it I soon disregard most of it. There’s so much more going on around the world, who am I to complain like a little capricious girl about to write a lamenting song?
As a kid I was always being accused of many things, especially of daydreaming; and that was a dangerous awful thing to do in my family. I was even beaten for it. Daydreaming was taboo, and occasionally still is. Thus, in spite I took my time to daydream.
Daydreaming of peace just as John Lennon might have said in his song; “Imagine” and other songs that send out yearning messages for peace. Wake up now; silly me, there is no such thing as peace. Some preacher from the third world once told me “peace is six feet under and that’s where you’ll get it, when you do not obey my laws in respect to my creed” then he punched me right into my face and badly hurt my friend that was near me, as well. All we wanted to do is see the enamelled drawing lines that looked like turquoise emeralds in the stream of the light, designed within a word; which means “god” at a cost, because its price tag is over $10.000 to produce. My friend and I were wondering why it cost so much, so she asked me to see it for an estimation.
As an innocent opinionated child, I used to lounge on the cold marble floor and look up the ceiling, observing shadows move into a scenery with a story of my own -while I listened to music, most of the time with ambient tunes played by the great master of classic genre. Among them were excellent music such as Bach, Beethoven and even the sweet Mozart on strings or piano. It all came to exist from a French Radio station that only had these classics on a repertoire for a constant rerun all day long.
I knew the shadow scenery weren’t for real and the moves were reflections formed by the wine leaves on the wall which reflected on the ceiling too… it was such an amazing journey, because physically and technically the shadow could not have been seen directly on the ceiling. Light comes from above, thus it was actually a third light reflection formed on the floor of the veranda outside and this is what made it so soft and multilayered where historical tales sprung out..
It was a white marble Italian style veranda and on summer days the light was so bright and so scorching hot, no one could sit outside in a 30+ to 38+ degrees temperature… so I often lay on the floor to get a refreshed feeling, while I dreamed with open eyes. The cold marble floor was enjoyable as long as it lasted, and by the after noon it was all gone.
Up to this day I like the cold feeling on my back, it also keeps me a bit numb and ready to face a cold winter blow. All numb towards many sort of things. At the time where I lived the coldest winter was about 7+ degrees, where I live now it’s approximately as much but below zero. I suppose my dreaming hazard and its show’s journey prepared me for colder temperature.
As I look back now at the ceiling in my mind and reminisce on all the grey tones, it bring me right back where I am now, just the same as it was today as it endlessly snowed outside on a grey winter day, and grey is my life as well.